Dare To Love Page 3

  ~~~~~

  “What!” I yelled, on the verge of panic. “Why didn’t anyone tell me?” I ran out into the hallway, my mother caught my shoulders—she said I had to go back inside; I was betrothed to one of the Hollinger brothers since the day I was born, she said simply. The only reason why they did not tell me, she added, was because they wanted me to get acquainted with the boys without restriction. Now that I am older, I understand the value of their decision, but at the time, I was devastated and thought my life had ended. In less than a month, barely enough time to have a dress made, I was to be wed…

  The following day I was back in the library, a multifaceted burden weighed heavily upon my shoulders. I had a choice to make, a choice I never got to deliberate. Four separate options, with four different men, all good-looking in their own diverse way were awaiting my verdict.

  I paraded in front of the four of them; they were all standing in line, Jordan Hollinger at the front, Tommy at the rear. I walked over to Jordan first and stared into his eyes, only his gaze had lowered and raked up my figure from toe to tip. He was the eldest, probably prepared for this very day and was pretentious because of it. I knew I was supposed to pick him; he was the inheritor of every trophy offered to womankind. All my friends considered Jordan Hollinger the ultimate catch, but his significance made me feel awkward, as a result, made my choice easy. Pitch-black hair encasing light green eyes, comely features, and he knew it, leering at me with a pompous, lewd grin on his face. I hated him simply because he thought everyone loved him, but I did not like him and I would never choose him.

  I next stepped over to Philip, a virtual stranger to me, no eye contact when I passed him by. Slightly shorter than Jordan, he was a humorless spectacle-wearing bookworm with a noticeable frown in the middle of his forehead. We had a lot in common, he and I, we both loved to read and I always felt I could ask him for help on complex school subjects, but never did. He was so unapproachable, just too grave, when I found it difficult to nevertheless make him smile. He won’t do, not him, ever.

  Standing to the rear of him was Andrew, light brown hair, dingy stare…A mean-spirited chap who oftentimes beat up on the rest of his brothers and sometimes, even mine! Enough said, not an option, no, not him.

  Then, in the back of all three stood my best friend; a boy who could always give me the giggles, take on a good dare, challenge me in every which way until now. My choice was painless…there was no alternative. No one could replace Tommy Hollinger in my mind… with his arms, chest and long legs swimming in his enormous white cambric shirt and navy breeches. Too shy and not anticipating my deliberation, he was biting his fingernails and looking panic-stricken.

  “Your Grace?” I asked quietly, cutting through the tension in the room.

  “Yes Gwendolyn?”

  “I may have my pick of any of your sons, is that correct?”

  The Duke of Norwin turned to eye my father and raised an eyebrow. “Yes Gwendolyn, you may have your choice of any of my sons.”

  By that smug grin on his face he thought I was going to choose his precious prized titled heir!

  “Then I pick Tommy.”

  I remember the gasps coming from everyone, even one from Tommy. I stood idle now, and stared into Tommy’s frozen gape. His eyes round like the moon, staring into mine…

  ~~~~~

  “You look at little green Gwendolyn, do you need a basin?”

  Gwendolyn could not believe her eyes and maybe it was partly her fault as well. Staying in the country far too long, wanting to close those doors to her past forever and neglecting her daughter’s rightful future. She should have asked questions years ago, should have faced this past long before, but deep down, did not want to. The pain it usually surfaced was simply too much to bear. Her Great-Aunt had been her solace from hurting and sheltered her for far too many years; it was easier to suppose everyone perished in some unexplained hoax rather than grasp the distressing truth.

  Gwendolyn trotted around Phyllis and lifted up her skirts to hi-tail it out of there. She scuttled down the hallway and passed through the large French doors that lead out to the courtyard. My mother’s cherished part of the house, she remembered, eyeing the vaulted ceilings of the staircase spiraling down towards the square; and from the stone laced court, looking up into the arcades, Gwendolyn viewed the many arched porticos that surrounded the terrace.

  Gwendolyn slowed down and remembered finding her mother alone crying one night and instantly brought to mind the conversation she had with her just a few days before the wedding voyage…

  ~~~~~

  “Mother? Why are you crying?” I asked, running over to her and sitting at her feet.

  She wrapped her hands around my face and said, “Do you know how lucky you are Gwendolyn?”

  I remember looking up at her with tears in my own eyes; she was the most beautiful woman in the world to me. Auburn hair with the most incredible grey-green eyes I have ever seen. “I don’t feel lucky.”

  “I envy you,” she said, wiping away her own tears and covering her mouth with a hand.

  “Envy me—but why?” I asked, continuing to blubber. “I don’t wish to be married.”

  “Neither did I at your age, but you’ll see things differently in a few winters.”

  “You were under obligation as well?”

  She closed her eyes and shut them tight, “My father had an arrangement with the 1st Earl of Suffolkshire. I begged and pleaded with my father, but it was no use.”

  A deep sense of realism entered my heart. “But…but don’t you love father?”

  “I like your father very much, Gwendolyn… he has been so good to me, but my heart will always belong to another.”

  “Another? Another man?”

  Smiling through tears, she revealed, “His father was a business associate of mine and when his family came by to visit, he would end up talking to me. Elegant and oh so charming, he took my very breath away; but we were both betrothed and dreadfully aware of our social restrictions. Until one evening, while both our parents were dancing in the ballroom, he took me aside and kissed me. I will never forget that kiss of his, Gwendolyn; there were so many ardors in his embrace, I—I hungered for him after dark. Even on my wedding day, I loved a married man.”

  My mouth flew open wide and I grabbed at her waist, hugging her near. “Oh mother, I am so sorry.”

  “I am glad I told you darling, it is a suffering that I have had to bear these many, many winters. That’s why I envy you,” she voiced, caressing the sides of my face, running her fingers through my hair. “You made the perfect choice, Gwendolyn. Tommy is an affectionate boy and he will make a wonderful husband. I have seen the two of you together; he is so focused on you. You are so fortunate to already be friends with him; it will help when you two are not intimate. Now, close your mouth dear, stop blushing, he is not a complete stranger like your father was to me on our wedding night. I am sure your first time with your husband will be a memorable one.”

  “Oh mother, I am so scared.”

  She continued to stroke the side of my cheeks, “Just remember darling, that when he shows you that he cares, prove your own devotion darling. I know you care for him Gwendolyn, more so than you permit everyone to witness. Allow him to catch you every now and then. Please do not make the same mistakes turning frigid at your husband’s touch. So many years wasted I…I forced your father into the arms of a mistress…”

  ~~~~~

  Gwendolyn flew down the stairs and ran into the lawns, halting at the sight of a massive emptied fountain that once held lily pads and numerous frogs. It was no wonder she could still hear the laughter the dewpond generated…

  ~~~~~

  “I am not going to touch it, you touch it,” I demanded of Tommy, crossing my arms in front of him in my best commandant stance.

  “Quit being such a girl,” Tommy ribbed, sticking his whole arm down the side of the moss-filled water.

  “I am not a girl; I am an officer in the Royal Nav
y.”

  “No you aren’t, you’re a scaredy-cat and I dare you to touch that toad.”

  I twisted my lips and gazed down at the scaly beast. It had titanic eyes and seemed to stare back at me daring me to touch it to prove that it would leap off the side of the lily pad and right into my hair. “If I touch it, you have to hold it,” I challenged him, thinking what a better idea would be if we used the toad to scare our governess.

  Tommy smiled and puffed up with acceptance. “Deal,” he proclaimed, grabbing the toad with both hands and shoving the beast in front of my face. “Wouldn’t it be funny if we put this toad in Miss Pinkel’s washbasin this evening?”

  That brought on a huge smile, wasn’t I just thinking the same dastardly thing? “Yes,” I said, reaching out to the toad and gliding my finger across its back. It was not so bad; wet and bumpy, anyhow, I could not wait for Tommy to take it upstairs to shock Miss Pinkel! Oh how we loved to play tricks on her, retribution for making us wash down before supper…

  ~~~~~

  Walking away from the limestone fountain, Gwendolyn reached the rest of the gardens. Once a surplus of envied roses and flower beds, the garden had lost its color, misplaced its fragrances, and won an array of shriveled up plants, fallen trees and dried out leaves. Gwendolyn shook her head at all the waste and could not look at it anymore and began running away from the ruins. Picking up speed, she finally reached the coach house and began her ascent towards it. Eerie friezes of horses’ heads above its entrance summoned her in. Once inside, Gwendolyn was shocked to see the Drummond carriages still lined up for usage! One, two, three, four…four carriages?! Did she really own such luxuries; so much prosperity at the mercy of disuse. She instantly brought to mind the hired hack she left waiting at the gates. I will have to let him go, she thought happily, she now had four luxurious carriages at her disposal. Walking around them, she pinpointed a steel bench and froze at the sight of it instantly remembering the last time it was visited. Slowly walking over to it, she sat down and spread out the fabric to her dress, languidly fingering the benches edge and recollected the tears that were once shed there…

  ~~~~~

  I wanted to talk to Tommy alone, had to get to him before the wedding took place. Maybe we could run away, or better yet, even stowaway on one of my father’s ships abroad. I was not allowed to see him though, my mother told me so. We were to be kept apart socially, until the matrimony began.

  I ran to the estate as fast as my legs could carry me, halted when I observed Tommy alone with his father. The window was open and I could hear them shouting. Making sure they could not see me, I meshed into the brick wall and threw my ear to the window. Tommy and the Duke of Norwin were debating on something that I could not quite understand.

  “You can live anywhere you wish,” the Duke proclaimed. “How about India? Madagascar or Africa?” Tommy snapped back, adding fuel to the fire.

  “Do not be absurd, son,” the Duke sharply replied. “You must live in London in order to help oversee the trade according to the provisions in the dowry.”

  “I do not want to be involved, father!” Tommy recited with a cry in his voice. “I hate the maritime business!”

  “You will do what I say, and that’s an order!”

  “But father, for the last time, this isn’t suitable,” Tommy yelled back at him. “I never wanted Gwendolyn this way...”

  Within hearing Tommy’s invariable insult, my very heart sunk into my chest. I had never heard him say something so…wounding. I followed my feet as fast as they could take me back to Gisleham, not even caring if I bumped into anything along the way and did not notice Jordan when I walloped into him. I did not realize that I was running so fast for he caught me before I fell backwards, his two strong arms firmly gripping against my forearms aiding me for balance.

  “Are you hurt?” He asked, his thumbs unintentionally digging into my shoulders.

  “Yes,” I said, thinking how much Tommy’s rejection really impaired me.

  “Where?” He asked, whirling my body around, inspecting my outer physique for any possible injury.

  Satisfied that he could not find any blood or broken bone, he finally released his clench from my shoulders and I took a few steps backwards only to watch him take a few steps ahead. Through tear-filled eyes, I tried to look up at him but my view was clouded and uncomfortable; I had never been so close to him before, he smelled of fresh laundered linen and some unknown fragrance that caused my senses to come alive. I remembered thinking how tall he was and broad and perfectly shaped until my eyes leveled to his waistcoat and felt him raise my chin.

  “Why the tears?” He asked in a soft unfamiliar voice.

  “It does not concern you,” I spat back at him still distraught over Tommy.

  “Oh, I see,” he said letting go a chuckle. I watched him cross his arms across his chest and with tears still gushing down my cheeks he looked straight down into my eyes. I noticed his usual pretentious outward show was no longer visible. He appeared different to me now, more relaxed…almost tender and beguiling. He went to reach for my face but held back his contact. I knew what he wanted to do but I beat him to it and wiped my own tears that were trickling down my face. Making me nervous than ever before, I no longer wanted to be near him and stepped away only to hear “I could have made you happy” at my backside.

  Bit by bit, I curved around, my ears still not willing to believe what was just conveyed. “I beg your pardon?”

  Coughing first, he let out, “Congratulations again,” he quickly rejoined, not smiling.

  “That is not what I heard,” I let go challenging him.

  His green eyes were compelling and gazed deep into mine trying to search for something but when he doesn’t find it, moments later he confessed, “It was what was meant.”

  His bow was quick but poignant and I stood there idle and watched him drudge away. For once he had his head down in defeat but his coattails flipped about with each proud stride he took. He truly was a handsome man and maybe that would have been enough, but the only boy I ever truly cared about was Tommy.

  ~~~~~

  Wiping away the tears that quickly streaked her cheeks, Gwendolyn stood up immediately and scampered out of the coach house. Wandering around aimlessly now, Gwendolyn covered her mouth in disbelief. So many memories there…so many incredible memories, blissful, tragic, exuberant in their generosity. Running and running, she finally reached the lake and began the endless stretch around it. It was still a blackish blue, like the nighttime sky just after sunset. Leaning back on a large oak one memory bit against her tear filled eyes…

  ~~~~~

  “Why are we hiding up here again, Gwendolyn?” Tommy asked, peering through the branches, trying to see if Mademoiselle de la Motte, their French tutor was still searching for them.

  “We are hiding from that weird woman,” I remarked simply, sticking out my head to see if I could notice her approach as well. “I do not understand her and she bothers me.”

  “She is our French tutor, Gwendolyn. We’ve ditched her twice this week, and once last week. My father’s going to skin me alive if I do not learn French.”

  “Oh, stop being so honorable, wouldn’t you rather go swimming?

  It is so hot today; I just want to swim all day long,” I complained, stretching out my legs on the growth of the tree. “I bet you I can dive off that edge over there and make it into the middle.”

  Tommy gazed down at the water. After looking over towards Gisleham once more, he headed out towards the brink of the tree. “All right, but you have to reach the middle, you cannot cheat like you did last time.”

  “I did not cheat. I do not cheat, you big nincompoop,” I mouthed, crawling on the thin branch, reaching over to the brim. I then jumped out as high as I could and stiffened my body up to dive right in the middle. I remembered the water being refreshingly cool, and instantaneously relaxing my agitation. Dipping my head under the water, blowing bubbles underneath, I looked up at the tree and n
oticed Tommy springing up on his feet, doing a perfect dive into the lake, missing me by a foot.